


Abyss

by Trobadora



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: M/M, Time Lord senses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-04
Updated: 2011-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-14 10:15:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trobadora/pseuds/Trobadora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>He gazed into the abyss. The abyss looked back at him with Jack's eyes.</i> - Jack and the Doctor, from <i>Journey's End</i> to some time after <i>Planet of the Dead</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abyss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DameRuth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DameRuth/gifts).



_And if you gaze long into an abyss  
the abyss also gazes into you._  
(Nietzsche)

~*~

The Doctor watched, proudly, as Donna threw open the TARDIS door.

"Ha!" She put her hands on her hips and turned around in triumph. "Did it!"

"Woohoo!" That was Jack, whooping like a child, high-fiving first Mickey, then Jackie.

A moment later, everyone was pooling around the open door, looking out at Planet Earth below, basking in the light of its proper sun once again.

They'd done it indeed, brought Earth back home. Rose hugged Sarah Jane, then Mickey, then, impulsively, kissed Jack on the cheek. He twirled her. Jackie and Mickey hugged again. The Doctor's other self threw him a sardonic look before he moved towards Sarah Jane. One big party, right here in the control room. He couldn't help the grin on his own face, even knowing what had to come.

The downside to having people here was always that they would leave. And this time ...

Involuntarily, his eyes strayed towards Donna. So brilliant, so radiant ... No. He shook off the thought. Not just yet.

He did some hugging of his own. "You're brilliant," he whispered in Sarah Jane's ear. There, that was better. Where was Rose?

Oh. She was talking to Jack.

Reluctantly he made his way over. That wasn't a conversation he particularly relished, explaining to her what had happened to Jack. What he'd done. What _she'd_ done. And why he'd never told her.

As he was watching, she let out a delighted squeal, jumped into Jack's arms, and he twirled her again. Then he gave her a little push - in the direction of Donna and ... well, _him_ , the other him, his human double. She went, and the two of them dragged her to the door leading towards the kitchen. Someone'd decided to go for tea.

A reprieve. He looked after them for a moment, then turned away. Back to Jack, who was standing to the side, watching him knowingly while Jackie and Mickey trailed after the other three.

He scowled at Jack. They were alone now, but he kept his voice low nonetheless. "You didn't tell her, did you?" It came out almost accusatory, but Jack merely smirked at him.

"Nope," Jack answered equally quietly. "What good would that have done? She'd only feel bad about it. And ..." He hesitated.

"What?"

"Seems to me her mind shies away from it. Any idea why?" And that was definitely an accusation.

"Not my doing," he mumbled, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck, then fiddling with his tie for a moment. "That's just the Vortex. What it did to her. And like you said - 's better for her this way." Better for everyone.

Jack hesitated. "Can I ask you something?"

The Doctor's lip curled. That kind of question never led to anything good. "If you must."

Jack didn't seem to take it personally. Something like humour flickered in his eyes. "What's it like?" he finally asked. "What I am. It seems a lifetime ago, but you said it was hard to even look at me. What do you see?"

"Jack ..." The Doctor shook his head. "You're not a Time Lord. I can't explain it, not to someone who can't even see the Vortex."

Jack's voice was terse. "I know you're perfectly capable of speaking in analogies, so give me one."

Fine. "Fine." He swallowed. "I see everything, Jack. Everything that was and will be, everything that could. Not the details, the flow of it. All the timelines, the movement of the universe, the dance of the stars. Perfect choreography, and I knew my place in it - I knew everyone's place. And then you came." He swallowed again, looking away.

"Doctor?"

He must have been quiet too long. "You changed the dance," he continued, turning towards Jack again, looking intently into his eyes. Pinning him in place with a look. "Nothing's fixed, nothing ever was, nothing should be. But you are, and it changes _everything_. Eternity's dancing around you now, Jack - looking at you, I see all the timelines curl around you and towards you and away from you, never unaffected, never in their own dance any more. Everything's spinning around you. You're the centre and the heart, and when I look into it ... You're a black hole, Jack. You're pulling everything in. Makes me dizzy just to look."

Silence. Then: "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

And that was all there was to it.

~*~

The Doctor shook Jackson's hand solemnly, offered Rosita a wide smile and finally walked away. It had been eerie, talking to someone who knew so much of him without _being_ him. Meeting himself, well, that was brilliant - would have been brilliant, if that had been it this time. But instead, this. Instead, someone human, entirely human, and yet knowing parts of him he'd never voluntarily have shown. Even if the knowledge would fade with time, for now Jackson understood far too many things, better than the Doctor was entirely comfortable with.

Time to move on. Too much had happened here. Too much.

The wonky timelines around Jackson had been bad enough - distorted from memories that weren't the man's own, that made it impossible to see him clearly. But the Cyberking ...

The Doctor shuddered, then stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat, hiding his clenched fists. The thing itself had been horrific enough in the here and now, the middle of Victorian London. But the potential timelines forming around it, coalescing into shapes both unfamiliar and frightening ...

Almost on instinct, he looked at the timelines again, just to see things back to normal. The terrifying directions were all purged now that disaster had been averted. Time was back to its usual dance around ...

...around ...

Without meaning to, his senses sought out the dark blinding whirl of timelines around the still centre that was Jack.

For a moment, he simply stared. He didn't let himself look at it often; it was too painful.

Too painful for so many reasons.

A mere man. But the centre of the universe, nonetheless - the one still point in all of space and time, the one thing never meant to be.

Looking away had always been so much easier.

He'd looked away for too long. Even when Jack had been standing right next to him, he'd done his best not to look. How else could he have looked the man in the face?

But it was Jack.

His friend.

And somehow, looking now wasn't as painful as he expected. Perhaps it was the distance, not having to hold man and Fact in his sight at the same time. Perhaps it was just that he'd run from it for so long, he'd built it up in his mind worse than it actually was. Not even a Time Lord was immune to that.

Or perhaps ... perhaps he was finally getting used to the shape of the universe.

~*~

"Well, then ..."

The Doctor looked around the empty control room and leaned wearily against the TARDIS console. Turning down Christina had been the right thing, for more reasons than one. But he couldn't deny it had been good, having company again. A comrade-in-arms. Well, without arms.

The phone rang. He scowled at it for a moment. Hadn't he turned it off? He didn't like receiving phone calls. Some of his previous selves might have liked it, being reachable that way, but not him. For a moment, he debated simply ignoring the insistent ring. Then, with a grimace, he picked up.

"What?" he snapped in his most impatient, supercilious tone.

"Two words for you," an entirely too amused voice replied. "Red. Bus."

Jack? Now there was a first. Jack had had his number since the business with the stolen planets, of course, but he hadn't ... The Doctor hadn't thought he would ... Oh, well. "What about it?"

Jack snorted. "Not one of your brightest ideas, letting someone fly around in a bus in this century." A little shuffling sound, as if Jack was making himself comfortable. "Taken care of now. Nice lady, by the way. Had some great tales, and some great ..."

"Jack. Stop it."

A low laugh. "Just wanted to let you know. Stopping now."

Clearly intending to hang up. Good. Jack had never been one try and to overstay his welcome. For some reason, the thought made his hearts clench.

"Jack," he interrupted.

There was a brief pause, and the Doctor fancied he could hear Jack's surprise in it. "Yeah?" Tentative.

The Doctor scratched his left eyebrow, rubbed a finger over his eyelid. "It's easier like this," he said, apropos of nothing. "What you are ... it's easier, from a distance."

He wasn't actually sure why he was saying this. Why he was saying anything. Perhaps he was simply tired of talking to himself.

The pause this time was practically vibrating with tension. "You said you didn't mind."

"I don't!" He took a deep breath. "I don't, it's just easier, not looking a Fact in the face."

Jack obviously wasn't about to let this go. "You asked me to come with you."

He had. He'd half wanted it, too. Of course, the other half had been hoping Jack would turn him down. As he, very conveniently, had.

"And I meant it. I did!" he protested. "I can get used to it, it's just ..."

"Easier."

There was judgement in Jack's voice, he was sure of it. The Doctor grimaced to himself. "Yes!" he spat out bitterly. "That."

Another pause, this time longer. "I'm sorry." Jack sounded weary now, very weary. Not like Jack at all. Not like Jack should sound, anyway. "I'll keep away from you."

"No!" the Doctor burst out, surprising himself. "No," he continued, more quietly. "I'm getting used to it. It's not wrong - you're not wrong, not unless the whole universe is wrong. I'm the one who is - I'm a relic from the universe-that-was, before Rose ..." His throat closed up, and he couldn't continue for a second. "I'm getting used to it," he repeated, helplessly.

"Maybe you shouldn't have to."

What? That was the most infuriating thing he'd ever heard.

Jack hesitated. "Take care of yourself, Doctor."

And just like that, the call was disconnected.

~*~

The Doctor seethed. Who did Jack think he was? He'd show him!

The coordinates were set, the quick trip through the Vortex was made before he'd had time to second-guess himself, and then he was already there, right in the Hub, the TARDIS door opening into Jack's bedroom.

Jack stood there, blinking. The Doctor took advantage of his surprise, invading his personal space, pushing him back against the nearest wall, pushing their bodies together close. Close.

Because he _could_.

"See?" he hissed. "No problem being here. None at all."

"Doctor ..."

This close, he could smell Jack's skin, his pheromones, the wool of his coat, which had got wet at some point earlier today. His cologne, the faint trace of some ridiculous herbal shampoo. And Jack. Just Jack.

He moved even closer, until there was no closer to go. Jack's hands came to rest on his upper arms. There was less than an inch between their faces. Their breaths mingled.

And then, the Doctor's lips were on Jack's, drawn together by inexplicable magnetic forces. Jack's mouth opened beneath him, and their tongues touched.

The Doctor closed his eyes, relishing the moment. Sinking into the kiss. Losing himself in it.

Abruptly, it ended. Jack held him away, breathing hard. His lips were kiss-swollen, his eyes dilated. But there was sadness in them. "No," Jack said softly.

What? "What do you mean, no?"

"I mean no!" Harshly. Jack looked away, tried to control his breathing. "We're not doing this just so you can prove a point."

He glared at Jack, incredulously. "Are you turning me down?"

Jack rubbed a hand across his face.. "Yeah, actually, I think I am." He sounded wistful, almost, leaning against the wall the Doctor had pushed him back into. His right hand was spread out on the Doctor's chest, holding him at arm's length, not letting him close the distance between them again.

"You know you want this as much as I do."

"More, in all likelihood." A smile - definitely wistful, now. Jack hesitated for a moment, then continued. "But not like this. Sorry." He gave the Doctor a wry grin and an apologetic shrug as he let him go, pushing himself off the wall, turning away.

Something inside the Doctor snapped shut. So much for trying. "Fine." His throat was tight with anger. "Fine. It's not good enough for you? I'm right here. I'm looking the Fact in the face. I've touched you before. We've run together. You've hugged me, for Rassilon's sake - have you any idea what it's like, being hugged by a black hole? And the timelines that twist around you, all of them, all around me?" He bared his teeth, snarling. "But it's not good enough for you, is it, that I'm here. Doing this. For _you._ "

He turned around then, ready to walk right back into the TARDIS, slam the door behind him, and get as far as possible from here.

Far away, and never look back.

Jack's hands closed on his shoulders, almost painfully, holding him in place. "You want me to believe this is real?" Jack's body pressed tightly against his back now. Hard, lean muscle. Unforgiving. "Tell me something to _make_ it real, then. Can you?" A challenge.

Easy.

He looked down for a moment, then twisted, freeing himself from Jack's grasp. "Right." He pushed Jack back, against the wall again, leaning into him. Looking into his eyes, their faces only inches apart.

"Damn you", he hissed. "I don't _do_ this. You know that, don't you? I don't. I don't run after people. I _leave them behind_."

"Doctor -"

"I'm here. Because of _you_." He willed Jack to understand.

Jack seemed to consider for a moment. For some very long seconds, he said nothing at all. Then the tension seemed to leave his body. "Damn." He shook his head, and the skin around his eyes crinkled. "I should have remembered. You're always good for a surprise."

The Doctor leaned back a little and smiled. "Real enough, then?" he asked, lightly.

And as Jack pulled him against him, finally, finally - as their bodies collided, Jack's smile, pressed against his own lips, certainly was real enough.

~*~

Kisses, desperate and urgent, lazy and slow. Fingers brushing over skin, mapping out muscles and tendons, every dimple and laugh-line. Human, so human. What was contained in this body still terrified him. But as his tongue licked a broad stripe across Jack's pecs, as his teeth caught a nipple and gave a playful tug, he could feel it integrate in his mind. Man and Fact, both here, both now. He had the centre of space and time beneath his lips. He was making eternity itself shiver with his touch. Was this why the Master - -

He shoved the thought away.

Pulling himself up, he stretched his body out over Jack's and braced himself, truly looking now.

He gazed into the abyss. The abyss looked back at him with Jack's eyes.

The look in those eyes ...

And he forgot all about Facts, or things that shouldn't be.

~*~

The Doctor woke quickly, as Time Lords did, wide awake in an instant. He was sprawled across Jack's body, soaking up the human's warmth.

Sprawled across a black hole. He was coming to like that metaphor. His subconscious was slowly beginning to believe he was actually safe in its event horizon.

His limbs were heavy and tired. Jack's arm across his back was a careless, sloppy weight, his hand resting heavily in the small of the Doctor's back.

The pull of gravity was pleasant, a comfortable force pressing them together, skin against skin.

Comfortable and heavy and still, as still as you could be on a planet spinning on its own axis, revolving around its sun, which in turn was spinning with its galaxy, which was moving with the force of the expanding universe in an eternal dance.

But the Doctor's time sense could barely focus on that dance, here: the centre of it all, the centre of the multiverse, around which all universes and timelines revolved, was here, sprawled on the bed, an arm thrown lazily across the Doctor's back. The centre of it all was asleep beneath him.

He was as close to the still point as it was possible to be. It was disorienting, having everything spin around _you_ , but it was also restful, in a strange way.

The Doctor didn't need to sleep. Time Lords needed very little sleep; their bodies were far more efficient than humans'. Or perhaps, the Doctor thought with vicious blasphemy, that was just what they wanted to believe. Perhaps it was merely the connection to the Vortex - after all, Jack was still perfectly human physically, but seemed to need even less sleep now.

Well. He might not have needed to sleep, but the stillness was soothing, and he found himself drifting. Sinking into Jack's skin as Jack was sinking into the sheets, boneless and heavy, warm and soft and comfortable.

Jack mumbled something in his sleep, moved, turned them over - and the Doctor was buried under the still point, pinned between Jack's body and the mattress, being pushed into the softness. Weighed down.

He should have been twitching, should have been itching to free himself from the weight, to get away from the stillness of it all. Instead he closed his eyes, let himself sink deeper into the mattress, boneless and lazy, and welcomed the warm and comforting weight on top of him.

He felt grounded. Safe.

After a while the Doctor stretched lazily, burrowed his nose into the crook of Jack's neck, licked at his skin. Salt and pheromones, and a faint, electric trace of artron energy ...

"Hello there," Jack muttered into his hair.

"Stop it," he replied, his arms moving around Jack's back, holding him close. Jack's laughter was a rumble vibrating through his whole body.

Neither of them made a move to come apart.

Tomorrow they'd both move on again, each on his own path. But for now, just for a few hours, here with Jack, he was content to rest.


End file.
